How Having Ice Cream In My Freezer Saved Me
Okay so BIG BREAK THROUGH!! I want to talk about how we idolize food. When I was in my eating disorder, diet, restriction, "good" and "bad" food, "right" and "wrong" food, obsessive working out, and all that jazz I didn't realize at the time, but I totally idolized food. I made it mean something WAY more than it needed to. I had this realization recently that the more we idolize food the more obsessive we become and the more we trap ourselves in the restriction binge cycle.
This literally can be related to anything. For one how about the example of idolizing a man? Has anyone been in a relationship where you literally treated your man like a god? Like he walked on red carpet everyday. He was the only person on your mind all day long and if you could you would spend 24/7 with him. Almost addictive right? The more unavailable he becomes physically/ emotionally you become more addicted. More in need. He becomes someone that is put on a shrine. It's kinda crazy I know but its so true.
So let's re direct this with food in mind and how we do the exact same thing when it comes to idolizing and addiction. In my past food was definitely the enemy. I hated it, almost despised it, but at the same time it was my god it was my shrine. I would restrict anything that pretty much tasted good. I never ate anything that I loved because I felt like I would over eat it. When I did eat it I would completely go over the top on it because I felt like I would never get to eat it again. So there was this love hate relationship where I would say no to everything when my body was really saying yes. So I confused the shit out of my body because I would totally dismiss all signals. I drove myself right into a cycle of not knowing how to treat my body and treat my food. There were rules on everything!
I bring this up because as I've gone through my healing process I've become aware of what foods I idolize the most. I still have my moments where I think "I shouldn't eat that." But i remind myself that if my body is craving it then a small portion or even just a bite wont hurt. It will actually help in the eating process. Because you will learn how to re introduce ALL foods so not one food is restricted, idolized, or labeled as "bad" or "good". I'm a sweets girl so for me I realized that I totally idolized dessert. To talk about one kind which is my absolute favorite, frozen yogurt. Getting froyo is an experience! Going with friends, getting the little sample cups, creating your own treat with the flavors you like, and all the toppings is so fun. It's so much more than eating froyo. It's like one of my favorite social activities.
In the past I would never ever go. When I did allow myself to go I would eat so much more than my body even wanted because I didn't know when the next time I would give myself permission. So I would make myself sick. Once I got to the sick point all the guilt and remorse would flood into my body. The self hate would talk and it would all be down hill from there. So of course the next morning would be a big sweaty workout to burn the calories and a strict day/ week of eating at the least. So exhausting right? Where is the freedom in all of this? Where is the love? Um well it's depleted. Vanished. No where to be seen.
So here's the shift on how my experience with ALL food is different. I have learned that food should never be idolized. Don't get me wrong I still LOVE froyo. I'm not saying you cant love certain foods. I'm saying to let go of the addiction. You know how I helped healed myself of this. I ate froyo MORE often. In the past I had all these rules. I can only go once a week at the maximum. I can only eat it on weekends. Preferably Sunday because if I eat it on Friday I'll for sure want to go again that weekend and I don't want to be tempted. I can remember one time my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to get froyo. I said "no way! It's Tuesday!" Craziness. Even writing this just gets my chest all in a funk. I can literally go back to that time in my life and feel the anxiety, stress, upset, and overwhelm. Food is fuel. Food is needed for survival. So I knew I had to figure this out because I started getting worried that this would take over my life forever.
So like I said. I started eating froyo more. I cut the rules. I realized that if dessert was available to me every single day then I would stop idolizing it so much. It wasn't a "cheat" or "being bad tonight" it just was. Eating froyo or pizza or burritos, or whatever it is that you love JUST IS. It's not wrong. Now that dessert is available to me whenever I want I don't get so stressed. I know I can have it when I feel like it. If that's everyday then so be it. I realized once I did this I can control myself. I can have a bite of a dessert or a small portion without going crazy on it because I know it will be there tomorrow. This my friends will be the biggest breakthrough ... it's seriously FREEDOM. To know I can wake up every single day and know all foods are available to me has changed my life. I feel at peace.
Just to make things straight that doesn't mean I'm eating sweets all day long in large amounts. It means that I'm eating all sorts of foods without an agenda. I love healthy food! So most of the time I'm eating what makes my body feel good. When I go out to eat I can get what I want because I can control it. I can eat dessert when I want because I know just a little bit will satisfy me. AND sometimes I get a nice big cup of froyo because I want to! And that's OKAY! I know that most of the time I m consistent with my eating so not one meal or even one day of eating will ruin me. I know that I've passed the rest because I actually bought some ice cream from Trader Joe's last week. It's actually present in my house! I never allowed myself to buy ice cream because I didn't trust myself. But guess what. It's in my freezer right now and I've had some almost every single day since I got it but there is still enough left for a while. Sometimes I just want a couple bites and I'm satisfied. You see how having foods available to you could actually help you eat less?
TRUST yourself, LOVE yourself, BE KIND to yourself, LISTEN to your body... all food is EQUAL. Food is not the enemy and not something to be idolized. Food is LOVE!
xoxo Lauren <3
2016 Copyright Lauren McAulay